"Howie"

I never expected my first prenatal visit for this pregnancy to be in the emergency room, but there we were--on St. Patrick's Day no less--sitting in room number 7, waiting for what I thought would be horrible news. I've given birth to three healthy babies, but I did lose one between child number two & three. I was about as far along as I was on St. Patty's Day when I miscarried, so I was trying to prepare myself for the worst. I remembered all too well what miscarriage was like. Although this started out a little differently and I wasn't having the pain I'd had with the other, I just couldn't let myself get my hopes up.

This baby had been a long time coming (over three years), and with my age (late thirties) I had already decided that this would be my last. We'd found out in January we were expecting and the baby had affectionately been nicknamed "Howie." Now I wasn't sure if we would ever meet Howie face to face.

After a few routine tests, a nurse popped in and asked us if anyone had been by to take us for an ultrasound. I could not imagine seeing my lifeless baby on a computer screen, but a few minutes later a nurse was wheeling me down to ultrasound. As much as I dreaded what might come next, I think my boyfriend was dreading it more. This is his first child. He had absolutely no idea what to expect.

While the ultrasound tech prepared the equipment, I took a big breath and held it. Have you ever experienced a moment in your life where time seemed to slow down--where you were so focused on one particular thing that the building could have fallen down around you and you wouldn't even have noticed? This was one of those moments for me.

Just as the transducer touched my belly, I could see Howie. He was all curled up in a tiny little ball, facing away from us. The tech moved the transducer ever so slightly to my right and I could see his little heart. I'll never forget that moment as long as I live. Howie's little heart was there alright--beating away just as it should be. I couldn't hold my emotions in any longer. I started to bawl like a baby. My boyfriend, not having ever seen an ultrasound before, didn't know whether I was crying out of joy or sorrow. Poor guy was standing there, holding my hand, looking at the computer screen trying to figure out why I was having an emotional meltdown.

I gathered myself together as best I could and explained to my boyfriend that we were looking at our baby, alive and well. That's when he lost it. The tech must have realized at that point that we had been facing the possibility that this would not be such a joyous occasion. That's when she offered us both tissues and started to point out everything as it showed up on the screen.

Howie was upside down (which didn't surprise either of us--we're both sort of upside down people, too), hanging out with his legs crossed at the ankles. He sure didn't like being squished by that transducer. He was kicking at it Kung Fu-style every chance he got. What a relief! The tech didn't see any abnormalities anywhere. Howie's got all his fingers and toes, both arms and legs, and everything else he should have. Of course, we won't know whether he's really a "Howie" or a "Howie-ette" for a few more weeks, but for now, he's just our little Howie.

As I write this, we are about 15 weeks along. Howie is currently awake and practicing his Kung Fu again. I wonder if he's still upside down or if he realizes yet how much he's loved. Hopefully that will be our only scare and the rest of the pregnancy will go along as smoothly as possible.

Hang in there, Howie! We can't wait to meet you!